Remember when our children were very young? When they would cling to our leg as we tried to clean house or cook? When we couldn’t chat on the phone without one or more trying to get our attention? When each day was filled with just meeting their needs?
Night time, after they were asleep, after we had kissed again each brow, brought a serenity that we held dear. Ah… quiet and peace…momentarily.
With the dawn, the never ending demands returned and our days often seemed a repetition of the previous day. And then in the blink of an eye, the children were grown. And they didn’t really need us any more, at least not in that day after day ongoing cycle.
We realized all too quickly, we don’t like the quietness we once longed for. We have to learn to appreciate the solitude. But life goes on; we find other outlets to which we give our time, interest and energy.
A dear Texas friend, who has been widowed for several years, recently emailed about sheltering in place by herself. One sentence jumped out at me. “Am finding I'm not the only senior who's realizing this aloneness is not working well.”
She is a strong, independent, capable woman who has tackled major chores with vigor. Her children, although not all in the same town, have been very attentive. Likewise, she has a wide spectrum of friends at home and across the country with whom she corresponds by email or talks with by phone. But none of it is the same as extended visits with family, going to church gatherings, outings with friends, the freedom to shop without fear.
COVID-19 has forced an extended shelter-in-place for seniors and it is taking its toll, not only physically on so many, but also on those who have stayed healthy, but alone. We need each other.
The same day I received her email, I also read Guidepost’s devotional, “Overcoming Loneliness: One Psychologist’s Approach,” by Ursula Whiteside. She states that there was a loneliness crisis in America long before COVID-19 which has acerbated the problem. Having grown up in a family that moved almost annually to follow her father’s job, she knows first hand the sense of loneliness. In her desperation to be “liked,” she participated in almost every activity available at school and always reached out to the other outcasts.
Although she was never at one place long enough to develop lasting friendships, she came to realize that in reaching out to help others, she was also helping herself. And from those experiences, she offers this advice to those of us seniors still sheltering in place.
“Know that you are not alone.
“Trust and work with your feelings.
“Be accepting of yourself and others.”
But her major advice is “Reach Out,” even from the confines of home. She relates stories of those in war zones and those who tried to commit suicide who were sustained by frequent letters, even from strangers, which say, “We care about you.” And so, she directs those of us facing aloneness to send out caring messages.
Whiteside, the psychologist who as a little girl learned that caring about others made her feel better, says “The more you reach out, the less lonely you yourself become.” And she follows up with these suggestions about sending texts, postcards, email, Facebook messages. “Make it personal, Make it non judgmental, Make it quick.” These suggestions immediately reminded me especially of two friends, both of whom are remembered for the countless letters and cards of encouragement they each sent for years, in good times and bad.
My friend, who wrote me one sentence about her disdain for aloneness, adheres to all these suggestions. In fact in earlier email, she mentioned that she could hardly keep up with all of her correspondence. But everyone needs to vent, at least once, about a difficulty. Her next sentence stated that she was about to tackle her filing cabinet. She’s not sitting at home feeling sorry for herself.
Hopefully when we all feel free to venture forth, maybe with the security blanket of a vaccine, we’ll be more appreciative of the daily routines we often complained about in the past. Gratitude is one attitude we have to nurture daily.
2020
Comments