Women instinctually know how to nourish each other, and just being with each other is restorative. Tanja Taljaard, dancer and author.
One of the tiniest casualties to surface during COVID-19 has been the ladies’ lunch dates. Of course, having to forfeit a luncheon certainly pales in the lost of over 140,000 lives in the United States alone. But prior to the pandemic, many women appreciated being able to spend a little quality time with their female friends over lunch and we miss the companionship, more than the food. Of course, we can still communicate via phone and Internet. But we missed the face to face and the hugs, especially the hugs.
In “Why Women Need A Tribe,” Taljaard explains, “In ancient times women shared a lot more than they do today. They shared care of their babies, gathered food and cooked together. The women and the children shared their lives intimately, and were a source of strength and comfort to each other on a daily basis…Being with other women helps you to be a better mother, and the moral support, physical, emotional and mental support and stimulation create a beautiful harmonious environment for children to thrive.”
We recently watched “Quest for the Sea,” a four-part documentary about an experiment sending two families to an abandoned fishing outpost along the Newfoundland coast for a summer. Several years earlier, residents from this outpost, along with many others, had been resettled elsewhere. While the men and their sons tried to hone their skills in catching cod and preserving the fish as in olden days, the two adult women spent long hours cooking three meals a day, tending the gardens, tackling the laundry and all other household chores.
The narrator commented that when the site had been a viable town, the women frequently worked together in undertaking many of the daily chores, thus establishing a friendship, while the men tended to be competitive in their work. A friendship grew between the two adult women in this miniseries.
According to a study by the University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA), the difference in friendships between women and that between men actually reflect each sex’s coping strategies. For men, it continues to be the traditional “fight or flight” response. Women lean toward “tend and befriend” by nurturing their children and/or seeking social contact with other women. According to the study, recognizing the different ways that men and women respond to stress may help researchers understand why men are more vulnerable to the adverse health effects of stress.
According to Tarra Bates-Duford, PHD, MFT, “Men tend to prefer more activity based friendships while women tend to prefer more friendship relationships…Friendships between males tend to be more side to side while women are more dependent on face to face. Males tend to value relationships that include shared activities, are less intimate and transactional…Women require more frequent contact with someone they consider to be a friend.”
Some of the research, indicate that women share some of their most intimate concerns. Friends advise them. While I cherish my special time with a friend, especially over a shared meal, our topics of discussion are benign. We, at our age, begin by bragging about our grandchildren. Then our conversations turn to talk about books, current events, recipes, household tips. If the friend is also a former teacher, we love to share the success stories of former students. Teachers take pride in the accomplishments of former students.
When our children were young, we might seek advice on child care. Most of us learned what worked with one child, didn’t with another. With grandchildren, we don’t have the same concerns.
I recall a conversation years ago with a preacher’s wife. She mentioned that she had had a good phone visit with her former college roommate. “You know I can discuss some of my concerns with her that I cannot share with friends I’ve made in town.” Of course, she was correct. She could not discuss certain issues about family or members of the congregation with new friends wherever the family served. She might want advice, but she couldn’t ask for it from friends in the making. As a minister’s wife, she was supposed to have all the answers.
Regardless of studies, most of us know the value of friendship and appreciate the friends we have. These times have made us appreciate them more. We look forward to the day when we can share a simple meal and a hug with them.
August 2, 2020 is National Friendship Day. It’s a good time to tell our friends we are grateful for their presence in our lives. Thank you, dear friends. I miss visiting in person with you.
This year, 2023, National Friendship Day is July 30.
2020
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